And They lived Happily Ever After

And they lived Happily Ever After .....

We all know how the fairy tale begins with meeting the person of our dreams, falling in love, and getting married. With the hopes of living happily ever after,  only to find that the reality is that married life isn't a Fairy Tale.  Marriage is hard work. So this blog is dedicated to my son Austin and his new bride Mariana who were married yesterday.

I was thinking during the ceremony, what kind of advice can I give this newly married couple to start them on the path to a Warm and Happy Marriage?  So I went around to all the family members and asked them what advice they would share with them. So here's the list:

Never go to bed angry-stay up and fight

Continue dating

Never use the word “divorce” to threaten or in a fight.

Forgive each other

go to church with each other

don’t put holes in the wall or doors

be the first to say "I'm Sorry"

have fun together

stick it out and don’t sweat the small stuff

The last piece of advice came from your Grandmother Barbara. It reminded me of a great quote from the Successful Marriage course manual. It states "Research confirms that a marriage realistic expectations as opposed to fantasy manages to satisfy the deep,human need for emotional and physical closeness throughout life's ups and downs. "Committed couples hunker down and stay the course together", writes prolific researcher Scott Stanley." (Hawkins, p. 72)

The Family: A Proclamation to the World states "Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children."

My advice for you is take time each day to say or do something to show your love for each other.  Your father and I have found ways to share our love in small ways.  Leaving notes to say I love you!, sending a text, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, or going out on a cheap date.  

This first year of married life is always an adjustment.  Remember all the reasons you chose each other.  Breathe.  The person to be loved is more important than the problem to be solved. We love you and Congratulations on

your wedding day!

 References:

Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2016), Successful Marriages and Families Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, Provo,Utah, BYU Studies

Gone But Never Forgotten

Gone But Never Forgotten....

We have all heard of the 5 stages of grief from the Kubler-Ross model:

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  When I got the phone call two and half years ago from my parents that my mom was diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer's , I felt a flood of emotions.  I felt fear, sadness, numbness, and the desire to learn everything I could about the disease.

I spent the next six months not in denial, I had already denied when signs years earlier that something was wrong. I spent that time watching every YouTube video and vlogs that could help me know more.  There was a quote from a man who started "Molly's Movement" website that has always stuck with me to describe what happens to our loved ones that have dementia.  He said, "Picture a chalkboard with everything written that you can do on it , and then every couple of months something get erased never to be written on that board again. You forget everything you've done your whole life all because your brain is dying."
 
I learned so much in that time.  I went for my first visit out to Utah.  She could still talk, walk, but she could no longer drive.  I remember our first conversation.  She told me how scared she was and minutes later forget what she had just told me.  The moment I truly saw the reality of this disease was when I needed help sewing on her sewing machine. She stood there looking at it and didn't know what to do.  She was an amazing seamstress and now she could help me thread a bobbin.  It was upsetting. Fast forward to the next visit, 8 months later. My dad had planned a surprise birthday gift to have all us kids for her birthday.  I was nervous she might not recognize me.  She was declining faster than the doctors thought. She was having trouble walking, but she could still talk and feed herself.  The minute I walked in the room, she screamed "Debbie!" She totally remembered me.  What a relief!  As days pasted, I would be cooking in the kitchen; she would look at me and stare. I can only image she must be wondering who that beautiful woman was standing in the kitchen. Hehee.

Time passed  and more things had been erased from the chalkboard.  Seven months later, I was out for another family visit. This time she barely spoke, she was having difficulty chewing and was using a wheelchair.  My heart broke. The day and night terrors were finally gone and at least she did say my name.  I knew that this was probably the last time to tell her some important things before I was erased.


In the book, Successful Marriages and Families:Proclamation Principals and Research Principles by Alan J. Hawks, it shares "Senselessness and meaning:
the search for meaning is one of the most common themes in research of experiences in adversity.(Robinson, et al., 2005) Human beings have a natural need to find meaning in life and make sense of painful experiences. At first, its natural to question the apparent senselessness and futility adversity."  This is right where I was after this trip.  Why was there a need for her to suffer like this?  Why was I being asked to watch this? I was angry. I cried out in prayer for God to stop this suffering. Trying to bargain with the Lord, but no answer came, untl one day I was reading in Alma 14:10-11.  Amulek is asking Alma, about the women and children that were being cast into the fire, "let us stretch for our hands, and exercise the power of God and save them from the flames." Alma said No the spirit would not let him.  They had to watch people they loved suffer without being able to do anything either.  It brought me peace to know that I wasn't alone.

It's now been a month since I lost my mom.  I'm not angry anymore. I'm not trying to bargain. I am reflecting though on Good memories.  I said that I had some important things to tell my mom.  Well, when I had a moment alone, I reminded her, from the family proclamation that, "The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally." I told her I loved her and she tried to say something back. I knew.

I received a book from a dear friend during all this called "The Remember Balloons." I now hold all her stories and memories, so that even though she's gone, she's never forgotten.

Debbie

References

Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth, On Death and Dying, Scribner, New York, 1969

Hawks, Alan J.,(2016) Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principals and Research Principles, Provo,Utah, BYU studies

The Family: A Proclamation to the World, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1995

The First Mother's Day Without My Mom

"Mothers are primarily responsible 

for the nurture of their children".

(The Family: A Proclamation to the World,pp 7)

 Almost 50 years ago, my mom found out that she was going to be a mom to a daughter. Finally!! After having 2 boys, she was so excited to have a daughter.  During our lives together, we did all kinds of fun things. We loved to watch movie musicals. We had special Mom and Daughter lunches while I was in high school/college. My favorite thing to do with my mom was bake.  She baked everything from scratch and I wanted all of her recipes!  When I would come home from a date, no matter how late it was, she would let me sit on the end of the bed and talk; telling her about every last detail.  When I grew up and left home for college, those talks changed from the foot of her bed to a telephone. I am so glad we had the relationship we did.

As I've been studying these past few weeks about the family and the important role mothers have on society, it's got me thinking about the things my mom taught me by sharing her knowledge and by her example.
In the book "Successful Marriages and Families"  it states "The calling of motherhood has been identified as the most ennobling endowment that God could give to His daughters"(Hawkins,p130)

Many times she shared the joy from motherhood. She loved being stay at home mom. Someone who would  teach me how to love and care for the family and realize my role as a daughter of God.

Two and a half years ago, my mother was diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer's disease.  As best I could from so far away, I put everything she taught me into practice to help love and care for her and remind her that she was a daughter of God.  I had the chance to visit and have talks with her, rub lotion on her hands and feet, and sing her songs.  I could tell by her expressions that she was pleased.

Three weeks ago, on April 23, my sweet mom left this earth and is now on the other side of the veil with her mom and family.  I stayed stoic, I guess. I had many times where I had grieved for my mom during this journey already. Then came Mother's Day.  I knew it might be hard, but during a talk about being a mom, the speaker shared the words to a song that we used to sing at Girls camp. A flood of memories came to my mind.  All the times my mom and I spent at girls camp together.  My heart was overflowing with gratitude for a mother who loved begin my mother.

In honor of her, I decided to write this blog for my Family Proclamation Project.  Each blog will discuss what she deemed the most important thing in her life: Her family.

Debbie Craner


References:

Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2016), Successful Marriages and Families Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, Provo,Utah, BYU Studies